Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
