and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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