Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
