Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
i think i just lost a toe
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
