I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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