My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
