In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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