jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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