this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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