My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Is Oprah even human
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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