Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
