Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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