Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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