I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's not a walk of shame if you run
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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