Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
