Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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