just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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