im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
