im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
