Define "chronic" masturbator.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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