i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
