When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
