he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
