you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
