Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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