Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
