just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
