If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize