Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Randomize
