craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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