Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
