I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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