I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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