Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Come on in and take your pants off
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