What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
