im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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