so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
