Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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