wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
