her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
