I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
