I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
