Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
