Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
