so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
