I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
