You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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