there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
