When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
