i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
