he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She needs sedatives and a leash
the liver wants what the liver wants
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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