there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
