If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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