you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
