last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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