Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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