everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
