Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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