i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
