why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
