How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
