Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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