Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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