Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
