is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
